Cash Grab — A review of 2013’s Garfield Kart
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Original video review for this game can be found by clicking here.
Garfield Kart — Artefacts Studio
$7AUD on Steam
Kart racers, they are a dime a dozen. So much so that I did a whole episode where I reviewed multiple kart racers and immediately demanded that dime back. However, forever a glutton for punishment, I played Garfield Kart. Released in November 2013, it was developed by Artefacts Studio and published by Microids, which sounds like a tiny haemorrhoid. Artefacts Studios are French developers with quite a few licensed titles under their belts — all as dated and obscure as Garfield. They include Inspector Gadget, Asterix and Smurfs Kart. Now, Garfield is a comic strip that started in 1976. Who was the target audience for this game in 2013?
When I first booted this one up, I immediately thought it looked like another game that originated on the Wii. But no, it started life as a PC game before being ported to the 3DS in 2015. Go figure. It has that “gift a divorced Dad gets his kids for Christmas” vibe.
Garfield Kart is a standard kart racing game. You have a time trial and grand prix modes but NO multiplayer. Mario and other kart racers have succeeded because they make great friendship-destroying party games. If I play this on my own, the only friendship I am destroying is the one I have with myself, which is already in the toilet.
You can choose from the lasagne-loving Garfield or his owner, John, along with some random starting boosters to give you an advantage. There are other characters from the little-known Garfieldverse to choose to unlock. However, I would be surprised if many players stick around for long enough to do so. You can, however, get up to 8 of Garfield’s mates, including the dog Odie and other memorable icons like Arlene, Squeak and Harry. If you know who any of them are, more power to you.
I started the game, and immediately, I noticed the lack of controller support. A kart racer just on the keyboard will destroy my already screwed-up hands. I am a very old homosexual, and every joint in my body is starting to fail, especially my hands, from decades of playing video games. I checked the options menu to see if I could enable it, and all I got was “sound volume and language.” Proving the developers intended to shovel out some shit to make a few bucks.
On the gameplay side, you can choose four grand prixs, all with fun names like “ hamburger cup “ and “ lasagne cup “. Each contains generic and lazy tracks and a framerate that would make most PlayStation 1 games blush. As with any game in this genre, you collect items to give yourself an advantage. These are pretty uninspired and direct clones of what we have seen before — things that explode, things that make you lose control, and something that clouds your field of vision.
For replayability, there are three discoverable puzzle pieces per track. They are all hidden in hard-to-reach places, so collecting them decreases your chance of winning. I could not be bothered trying to get them, and I have no idea what they did. They most likely awarded you some additional power-ups.
As you would expect, winning a grand prix unlocks new tracks to race on. Additionally, you can get other minor perks for your racers. Most of them seemed cosmetic to me, like the ability to unlock fun hats to wear. Something about this made me think of The Simpsons. You know the episode where the kids stampede to get the same Malibu Stacey doll? Only now, she has a new hat.
Unfortunately, there is no multiplayer mode, which is a genuine shame. The ability to race with mates can often save any beige clone-kart racer. Artefacts Studios, in their infinite wisdom, seal their fate as shameless money grubbers with this choice. I am not entirely sure; I am surprised. From the start, I had minimal expectations of this being any good.
I am disappointed in myself for spending money on this shameless cash-grabbing garbage, but given the types of games I review, I am getting used to that feeling. A game like Garfield Kart might have been okay on the 3DS as a distraction for younger kids during long car trips. But they also had the option of Mario Kart 7 when this was released. So whatever parents opened up their tight asses to get little Johnny this for his birthday have probably been reported to child services by now. I declare Garfield Kart, not a hidden gem, and you have been warned.
